I have been meaning to write about this for the past 2 weeks, but I needed to let the topic simmer in my head before I went and wrote all kinds of dark, hopeless and pessimistic thoughts here. So, let me preface this by saying that I have never been in an official long-lasting public boyfriend-girlfriend relationship before, mostly because:
1. I didn’t really like the guys that liked me and were heading down that track
2. The ones that I did like, were trying to get in my pants without any sort of established relationship.
Nothing out of the ordinary here, just the good old struggle that comes with being a girl. Anyways, that was just a disclaimer that will make sense later.
I think when I was very young, I really couldn’t wait to be asked out and have a boyfriend, get married, and have kids. It was like my ultimate dream – right around 9 years old. And oh, how things have changed. At this point I’m 23, and I am not the biggest believer in the existence of healthy, functional relationships. My close friends today have pretty much all been in and out of relationships for the past 6 years or so since I’ve known them. I’ve been a part of all of those relationships, became friends with the significant others, and at one point was even the maid of honor for one of the ones who got engaged… And through all that I have witnessed and been intricately (too much so) a part of, I can honestly say that I’m just about to completely give up on the notion that there’s such a thing as a genuinely good relationship. By this I mean a relationship where there’s no cheating, no emotional or physical abuse, a good balance of reciprocity, a level of independence, a healthy existence of jealousy, and a good amount of arguing that will always be there.
Trust me, I’ve thought to myself “maybe I just need new friends” and “maybe I’m just expecting some kind of Disney ‘happily ever after'” – but I’m really not. This might also be screaming trust issues, daddy issues, jaded, etc… And yes, there’s a little bit of all of those in there, maybe more than I’d like to have or admit to. But seriously please explain this to me –
1. Friend A: With boyfriend for 2 years, 3 months. Was a virgin with a few issues who finally gave up the V-card 2 years in (poor guy)… 2 months later, the guy breaks up with her the day before her birthday (actually, no – they went on a “break” that day, and 4 days later he changed his relationship status to “single” on Facebook, that’s how she found out it was actually over). He was a nice guy, but honestly he was super quiet and then when he was drunk he was hilarious and wouldn’t shut up. That was a huge red flag for me but still…
2. Friend B: Came into college with high school sweetheart and too much baggage I guess. 5 years together. They were the ones that got engaged and whose wedding I was helping to plan. They got engaged when he was 20, she was 19 (I know, I know) because she was ready for the next step and they had all these plans.. Only for her to realize that he wasn’t the man she wanted to be with, break off the engagement, get back together, get re-engaged (with a new ring), break up AGAIN, get back together, cheat on him and FINALLY end things for real. She kept both rings by the way… Here I’m 100% on the guy’s side, not on my friend’s by the way.
Friend B has recently entered a new relationship. The guy seemed extremely different from what she was used to (and from her life in general) but I thought it would be a good change from the path she was on. Turns out this new guy who is a seemingly harmless computer-fixing/comic-con type of nerd, is actually a possessive A-type guy, completely closed-minded to everything related to alcohol, going out and partying (ok fine), very into S&M (not really a problem, just a huge surprise from just looking at him), and who “weighs” my friend every Saturday and pushes her to lose weight and get to a healthy BMI (ok now I’m pissed). I’m fully aware that he can push as much as he wants, and it’s up to her to stop him, but really though!
3. Mom and Dad: this is extremely complicated to even get into, but picture a perfect couple that everyone looks up to and envy. The kind of couple that goes so well together that you just want what they have. Together for 30 years until dad decides he doesn’t love mom anymore (completely understandable) and then with really intricate lying goes off with the woman they’ve known for almost 20 years (who is also married and whose daughter is my Goddaughter) that ran their business, and is now in a relationship with. No words about my feelings here.
I could go on here for pages and pages, but my point is, in all the people I have gotten actually close to and have seen first-hand the ins and outs and the good and bad of their relationships… I have become horrified by the bad – but even worse, by the fact that the person who the bad is being done to doesn’t seem to realize or have a problem with it.
I am literally scared of what’s out there. Is there really someone that you match with so well, that doesn’t expect you to give up your life and dreams, that doesn’t leave you for your best friend, that doesn’t have some hardcore mental disorder, that is not a diagnosed addict or booked sex offender/criminal…. etc?
And I know that “normal” is subjective and completely exclusive to each individual and to that relationship… Maybe because I haven’t been in a stable and serious relationship myself, I might be looking at the bad outweighing the good. But is the good THAT good to override all of the REALLY bad?