Or maybe it is? Maybe being more “in touch” with my feelings, thoughts and emotions than the usual might provide for a great post. We’ll see.
This morning I carpooled to work with my best friend. Even though we’re best friends (and have been so for around 5 years at this point), I still don’t understand how we can be quiet when we’re together… Like there’s nothing to say. It doesn’t always happen, and considering the fact that we live literally 1 minute away from each other, work together, and spend about 80% of our weeks breathing in the same oxygen space, it might be acceptable to not have anything new to say. Anyways, I digress (as I do on an all too regular basis).
As I drove, my thoughts were going crazy as usual, more uncontrollably so than any other day. One of the thoughts that popped into my head was something along the lines of “I love my brothers. A lot. My older brother practically helped raise me and I can’t fathom a world without him. When actress Brittany Murphy died, Ashton Kutcher (who co-starred with her in “Just Married” and dated her briefly during the shoot) tweeted ‘the world got a little less bright today’… I think that is exactly what I would say if my brother were to pass away. The world would feel less bright, less funny and less everything… Same goes for my little brother.”
Who thinks of this? Am I really that morbid/negative? I don’t like to think I am, and I actually love to talk about how positive and optimistic I tend to be. Sometimes though, the “dark and twisted” Meredith Grey side of me is all too powerful, and my deep thinking goes into overdrive. I have always had these kinds of darker thoughts, which led me to a lot of anxiety, fear and deprivation at one point a few years ago. I have learned to control myself and get past the thoughts and fears by rationalizing, but it is really a daily challenge in itself, regardless of what fun adventures life decides to throw my way.
When I got to the office and got online, I see on Facebook that one of my high school classmates passed away. I didn’t know him well, but my class had a traumatic 4 years while together, since every year of our lives while in school someone passed. It hits us extra hard every time one of us goes.
With my morbid morning thoughts and this “confirmation” that the only requirement to die is to be alive, I have spent the day ruminating about life, death, decisions, kids, future (or lack thereof), and everything there is to think about, leading to a completely unproductive work day. I have come to the point where I needed to put my thoughts in “paper” because they’re not doing much in my head. Hope to overcome this emo bump ASAP so I can get back to being my happier self.
The positive aspects of this not-so-peppy day are:
1. Nothing makes you think more about life than death. The parting of others makes you think about your blessings and reasons to be thankful. It’s a reminder we all need.
2. I will tell my brothers, mother, and as many people as I see fit that I love them, just because.
3. I finally created my blog. I have literally been considering this for years, and have even opened some accounts in the past but it just hadn’t worked out the way I wanted it to. This time is different though.
At almost 600 words at this point, I think I overstayed my welcome and the length of your attention span.
Happy reading, and until next time.