This was a very good read for me. It really outlines the perspective of those who just want to be treated with the same regard and rules as everyone else – especially when they are out there in the front lines fighting for the rest of us.
With this being such a controversial day in the United States given the possibility of marriage equality for all, I felt compelled to post a little something about this issue.
As straight as I am, I have always believed that everyone has the right to be happy with whomever makes them happy. Today, I changed my profile picture to the red equal sign in support of the many, many gay friends and family members that have been brave enough to recognize their sexual orientation publicly (as sad as it is to think that there is so much homophobia out there, preventing people from being themselves).
One of my friends is usually SO very opinionated on social media when it comes to politics – as if she herself were lobbying for them – and her posts today were no different. First, she didn’t know what the red equal banner was for, and once it was explained to her, she tried to be sarcastic about it. Then, she posted a bunch of “conservative” (understatement of the century) lines about how God only acknowledges a marriage between a Man and a Woman and people should just be happy with a civil union and blah blah.
This friend of mine got married about 3 years ago, and has a one and a half year old daughter. All I wanted to post on her ranting status was – “What if your daughter came to you at some point and said ‘Mom, I’m a lesbian’? Would you reject her? Would you want her to ignore her feelings for someone of the same sex because you condemn them? Would you not want to see your daughter getting married and uniting her life to that person she loves – just like you did some years ago – because ‘God’ wants her in a heterosexual relationship?”
I understand that not everyone will agree on things, and to this day civil rights are a huge issue in the US and in many other countries. But to go on social media rants with hurtful opinions and saying how much “all the red flags in my news feed are bothering me” – then you’ve lost me. You can’t be religious for what’s convenient, and then when you don’t agree you turn your back. “God is love,” and whatever else you want to say to me… If you come with your sermons, then you better be great at backing it up and sticking to ALL of it.
50 years from now, once all these equality laws have passed and people are living in a truly equal society, they will look back and say “wow, these people were in the cusp of closed-mindedness and the stoneage,” just like we do today when we frown at slavery, racism, sexism, and more.
I have been meaning to write about this for the past 2 weeks, but I needed to let the topic simmer in my head before I went and wrote all kinds of dark, hopeless and pessimistic thoughts here. So, let me preface this by saying that I have never been in an official long-lasting public boyfriend-girlfriend relationship before, mostly because:
1. I didn’t really like the guys that liked me and were heading down that track
2. The ones that I did like, were trying to get in my pants without any sort of established relationship.
Nothing out of the ordinary here, just the good old struggle that comes with being a girl. Anyways, that was just a disclaimer that will make sense later.
I think when I was very young, I really couldn’t wait to be asked out and have a boyfriend, get married, and have kids. It was like my ultimate dream – right around 9 years old. And oh, how things have changed. At this point I’m 23, and I am not the biggest believer in the existence of healthy, functional relationships. My close friends today have pretty much all been in and out of relationships for the past 6 years or so since I’ve known them. I’ve been a part of all of those relationships, became friends with the significant others, and at one point was even the maid of honor for one of the ones who got engaged… And through all that I have witnessed and been intricately (too much so) a part of, I can honestly say that I’m just about to completely give up on the notion that there’s such a thing as a genuinely good relationship. By this I mean a relationship where there’s no cheating, no emotional or physical abuse, a good balance of reciprocity, a level of independence, a healthy existence of jealousy, and a good amount of arguing that will always be there.
Trust me, I’ve thought to myself “maybe I just need new friends” and “maybe I’m just expecting some kind of Disney ‘happily ever after'” – but I’m really not. This might also be screaming trust issues, daddy issues, jaded, etc… And yes, there’s a little bit of all of those in there, maybe more than I’d like to have or admit to. But seriously please explain this to me –
1. Friend A: With boyfriend for 2 years, 3 months. Was a virgin with a few issues who finally gave up the V-card 2 years in (poor guy)… 2 months later, the guy breaks up with her the day before her birthday (actually, no – they went on a “break” that day, and 4 days later he changed his relationship status to “single” on Facebook, that’s how she found out it was actually over). He was a nice guy, but honestly he was super quiet and then when he was drunk he was hilarious and wouldn’t shut up. That was a huge red flag for me but still…
2. Friend B: Came into college with high school sweetheart and too much baggage I guess. 5 years together. They were the ones that got engaged and whose wedding I was helping to plan. They got engaged when he was 20, she was 19 (I know, I know) because she was ready for the next step and they had all these plans.. Only for her to realize that he wasn’t the man she wanted to be with, break off the engagement, get back together, get re-engaged (with a new ring), break up AGAIN, get back together, cheat on him and FINALLY end things for real. She kept both rings by the way… Here I’m 100% on the guy’s side, not on my friend’s by the way.
Friend B has recently entered a new relationship. The guy seemed extremely different from what she was used to (and from her life in general) but I thought it would be a good change from the path she was on. Turns out this new guy who is a seemingly harmless computer-fixing/comic-con type of nerd, is actually a possessive A-type guy, completely closed-minded to everything related to alcohol, going out and partying (ok fine), very into S&M (not really a problem, just a huge surprise from just looking at him), and who “weighs” my friend every Saturday and pushes her to lose weight and get to a healthy BMI (ok now I’m pissed). I’m fully aware that he can push as much as he wants, and it’s up to her to stop him, but really though!
3. Mom and Dad: this is extremely complicated to even get into, but picture a perfect couple that everyone looks up to and envy. The kind of couple that goes so well together that you just want what they have. Together for 30 years until dad decides he doesn’t love mom anymore (completely understandable) and then with really intricate lying goes off with the woman they’ve known for almost 20 years (who is also married and whose daughter is my Goddaughter) that ran their business, and is now in a relationship with. No words about my feelings here.
I could go on here for pages and pages, but my point is, in all the people I have gotten actually close to and have seen first-hand the ins and outs and the good and bad of their relationships… I have become horrified by the bad – but even worse, by the fact that the person who the bad is being done to doesn’t seem to realize or have a problem with it.
I am literally scared of what’s out there. Is there really someone that you match with so well, that doesn’t expect you to give up your life and dreams, that doesn’t leave you for your best friend, that doesn’t have some hardcore mental disorder, that is not a diagnosed addict or booked sex offender/criminal…. etc?
And I know that “normal” is subjective and completely exclusive to each individual and to that relationship… Maybe because I haven’t been in a stable and serious relationship myself, I might be looking at the bad outweighing the good. But is the good THAT good to override all of the REALLY bad?
Things would be much different if parents talked to their kids like this. It’s the direction we need at this day and time.
I can so relate. Especially on the 98.2%
Loved this post and I am now intrigued to read this book!
Last year when I attended the London Book Fair I had the pleasure of listening to an interview with Caitlin Moran, the author of How To Be a Woman. Before the interview started, a young woman sat down next to me and asked me if I was familiar with Moran. I had to confess that I was not. She said, “Oh, she’s hilarious. She’s the reason I came today.”
Moran did not disappoint. As it turns out, I found her to be comical and insightful. According to Moran, after a night at the pub, where she and her cohorts bemoaned the sad state of feminism, she decided to write a book about feminism. Five months later How To Be a Woman existed. I have to give it to her. Usually when I leave the pub I head home, drink some water, and hope I don’t have a headache in…
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Or maybe it is? Maybe being more “in touch” with my feelings, thoughts and emotions than the usual might provide for a great post. We’ll see.
This morning I carpooled to work with my best friend. Even though we’re best friends (and have been so for around 5 years at this point), I still don’t understand how we can be quiet when we’re together… Like there’s nothing to say. It doesn’t always happen, and considering the fact that we live literally 1 minute away from each other, work together, and spend about 80% of our weeks breathing in the same oxygen space, it might be acceptable to not have anything new to say. Anyways, I digress (as I do on an all too regular basis).
As I drove, my thoughts were going crazy as usual, more uncontrollably so than any other day. One of the thoughts that popped into my head was something along the lines of “I love my brothers. A lot. My older brother practically helped raise me and I can’t fathom a world without him. When actress Brittany Murphy died, Ashton Kutcher (who co-starred with her in “Just Married” and dated her briefly during the shoot) tweeted ‘the world got a little less bright today’… I think that is exactly what I would say if my brother were to pass away. The world would feel less bright, less funny and less everything… Same goes for my little brother.”
Who thinks of this? Am I really that morbid/negative? I don’t like to think I am, and I actually love to talk about how positive and optimistic I tend to be. Sometimes though, the “dark and twisted” Meredith Grey side of me is all too powerful, and my deep thinking goes into overdrive. I have always had these kinds of darker thoughts, which led me to a lot of anxiety, fear and deprivation at one point a few years ago. I have learned to control myself and get past the thoughts and fears by rationalizing, but it is really a daily challenge in itself, regardless of what fun adventures life decides to throw my way.
When I got to the office and got online, I see on Facebook that one of my high school classmates passed away. I didn’t know him well, but my class had a traumatic 4 years while together, since every year of our lives while in school someone passed. It hits us extra hard every time one of us goes.
With my morbid morning thoughts and this “confirmation” that the only requirement to die is to be alive, I have spent the day ruminating about life, death, decisions, kids, future (or lack thereof), and everything there is to think about, leading to a completely unproductive work day. I have come to the point where I needed to put my thoughts in “paper” because they’re not doing much in my head. Hope to overcome this emo bump ASAP so I can get back to being my happier self.
The positive aspects of this not-so-peppy day are:
1. Nothing makes you think more about life than death. The parting of others makes you think about your blessings and reasons to be thankful. It’s a reminder we all need.
2. I will tell my brothers, mother, and as many people as I see fit that I love them, just because.
3. I finally created my blog. I have literally been considering this for years, and have even opened some accounts in the past but it just hadn’t worked out the way I wanted it to. This time is different though.
At almost 600 words at this point, I think I overstayed my welcome and the length of your attention span.
Happy reading, and until next time.